The world seems dark and scary but I have to stay alive and keep my senses working. There is no space for emotions so I have to block them. How can I mess up? Life depends on me. I am responsible for a weak being who is solely dependent on me; only me… I can’t sleep. Even when my baby is sleeping. Welcome to my journey through my fourth trimester.
Motherhood for me was an isolating experience, where my solitude was only broken by the cries of my child. I am no more me. Will I ever heal?
I love my little baby girl … I’m just so tired
People ask me what I felt when I first welcomed my baby into the world. But can I actually tell anyone how I felt?
Postpartum is a strange realm because you can so easily lose yourself and in the process of finding your way back, you discover a whole new world and whole new being- a woman, wife, mother, partner. It’s confusing and full of perspective. It’s a humongous exercise in learning and unlearning. Also, there’s no timeline for these feelings. One day you’re feeling on top of the world and ticking off all the ‘to do’s and the next day you hit rock bottom. You’ll question yourself as to why you’re still feeling anxious months after having given birth
When my baby girl made her first appearance, everything started revolving around her. From which of her facial features resembled who in the family, to her regular checkups of weight and well-being: every conversation around me would be focused purely on her who was now the center of attention and whose comfort held the topmost priority. Everyone would talk about her and leave me with one million pieces of advice that had become really hard to gather.
Amidst all of this happy chaos, was me- a first time bruised, stitched up, swollen, engorged, and bleeding mom who was expected to instinctively know how to handle a baby with almost no sleep, naturally ease into breastfeeding, interpret different types of cries, figure out motherhood and effectively communicate the onset of depressive feelings to my husband, friends, and family.
Checking up on a mother’s sanity and health is thought not so common in this world.No matter how much I’ve looked forward to this time when I would hold my baby I hit with baby blues.
Even though I had my mother, who in the first few weeks would help me with everything. My husband would always be ready to look after our baby so I could squeeze in an extra hour of sleep despite not having a clue of what I was feeling, I was still depressed! I am still struggling to fit into my new role.
This blog is for first-time moms and moms who have had kids before but still experience a new set of depressive feelings each time. It is for moms who have support and those who do not. For moms who, despite loving their kids more than themselves, need to know they shouldn’t be guilty of longing for the person they were before.
To all sweet new mamas let me tell you something.Be kind to yourself. You are embarking on this new adventure known as motherhood. I know it doesn’t feel like you are doing enough but trust me you are! You are your baby’s whole world.It’s hard and overwhelming but wonderful at the same time. You can cry while feeding him and that’s totally okay.Give yourself lots and lots of grace. Talk to yourself like you would comfort your closest friend. Let the mom (and the whole family) hold space- space to navigate through these emotions, all while sustaining another life. If you’re feeling this way at any point in your pregnancy, postpartum, motherhood, and beyond: it’s okay, it’s real, it’s human ❤️
Hang in there mama, you are doing great.
